Thursday, October 16, 2008

Top Ten Horror Movies Of All-Time

In celebration of the impending holiday around the corner we're going to take today as an opportunity to make a list of the top ten scariest movies of all-time.So fuck your list, it's about mine. If you don't like it, re-evaluate your own thinking process because it's wrong. Anyway, two days late, here they are your Top Ten...

10.) Nightmare On Elm Street - The thing about Freddy is he makes jokes but not as excessively as Chucky who does it ad-nauseam and results in me ignoring him and his shitty movies. Freddy is funny but he gets the job done. He takes ordinary things and flips them into killing weapons and hence you're not really prepared for the fright that comes next. Very very great horror technique it is and also very effective. I won't lie like I been riding with Freddy since the beginning when the movie first came out but it did become a favorite of mine.

9.) Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Scary movie is how it borders reality more than movie. You definitely feel like you're in the movie. It's a movie but it certainly seems like it could happen and it's the reason I always gas my car to the top before I leave my home and go anywhere that allows for me to drive through the Klan country, and there's plenty of it, in the stretch between Cincinnati and Columbus. Leatherface probably doesn't like niggas and he does like murder so if he comes by me on the highway he'll have a good day and I probably won't. Scary proposition but great movie.

8.) HellRaiser - This movie is a movie to this day I wouldn't watch past midnight. What with all the random creatures and chained hooks and skin ripping and torture this movie is wild. It's a totally stupid and unrealistic movie but when you let your mind suspend reality and get involved in this movie it can creep the shit out of you. Classic line from the movie "Your suffering will be legendary...even in HELL!". That shit was chilling as hell. Pinhead didn't play around. Another one of those evil characters without emotion or personality that you can't reason with that you just have to face man to man. I don't play with random boxes now thanks to this movie.

7.) Cat's Eye - Another movie in a line of films you can't show children until their teenagers at least because of the difficulty in separating reality from fiction. That little thing in the movie that steals your breath when you're sleeping was too fucking much. I think Steven King gets too much love and he's overrated but this movie delivers on all the expectations adorned him his entire career. The thing about this movie is though it that it's an underground film. It never comes on television, ever. They don't even show it on the premium stations like Showtime or HBO and they show every piece of shit crap movie on those stations at least every once in a while. So if you come across this move on eBay or at the store, go ahead and buy it. I vouch for this movie's authenticity.

6.) The Exorcist - This movie is universal in it's prestige. You won't divide a room into two camps by asking who did and didn't find this one crazy. No further words necessary to justify why this is here.

5.) Pet Sematary - This was simple movie. Not complex in the least. You bury a nigga in the Indian burial ground and he would come back but come back like John McCain, lol. No but seriously this movie was so creepy that it was unforgettable. I could have done without that one dude in the jogger outfit that kept following around the lead guy but other than that this movie had no distinguishable weak points. The test of a good scary movie is if you can laugh at any point of it then it probably isn't a good 'scary' flick and I never laughed during this movie so I'm putting it on the list.

4.) Arachnophobia - I hate spiders. This movie is all about them. It's my biggest fear in the world come true. I mean these little shits are ruthless. I fucked up and saw this movie when I was way too young. I think I was 7 when i first saw it and that wasn't a good idea on my parent's part because from that point on I've been paralyzed by them. A good horror movie has to have some believability and this movie had that and then some. It was a little bit too real. To this day I check any shoes I have before I put them on, even the ones in my house. I don't blindly put my hand under a lamp to run it off or on without first checking to see if a spiders hiding underneath there. I don't walk to my basement without looking against the wall to see if I'm about to walk face first into a spider dangling or a newly-minted web. Even if you don't hate spiders, you get freaked out by the kind of spiders in this movie and my God the numbers of them.

3.) Halloween 2 - Sequels never measure up to the originals and outside of Godfather I can't dispute that claim in any other way though and unfortunately this movie doesn't surpass it's predecessor but it's certainly in the same neighborhood. Mike has a fresh batch of white people to kill in this one completely separate from the group he slaughtered in the first and he does it just as masterfully. If the original is Illmatic the follow-up is certainly deserving of being called It Was Written. It's can't be it's predecessor but it holds it's own definitely.

2.) The Ring - I was a skeptic about this one going into the theater with a teenage love when this came out. I figured all the great horror movies of my life were long behind me and I was wrong. I was flinching and jumping in my seat like the woman in the relationship. My girl had to have seen that and lost some amount of respect in me for going out like that, but this movie was quietly one of the gulliest movies I've ever scene. That little girl was something else in this one.

1.) Halloween - Michael Myers was that dude. Mike been stabbed, shot, set on fire, blown up, electrocuted, kicked, punched and nothing phases this dude after nine Halloween. In other words, don't fuck with him. He's a bad dude, both literally and figuratively. So given his resume we can all respect the guy but to appreciate his catalog you have to know where the guy comes from and to do that you have to appreciate his beginnings in Halloween. The OG John Carpenter directed film, not that Rob Zombie watered-down non-sense neither. Michael myers in this movie was legendary though. He was creeping around, murking people with ease and cool like Barack Obama in debates. The greatest thing about the movie was it's simplicity. Not a lot of blood, not a lot of overthinking murder scenes, just smart, simple terror. Movie gave you a ton of angst and nervous anticipation at all moments. The fact that Michael never speaks completely makes his character. The notion that someone is out there and has no reasons to hunt you down and shank you and not only that he doesn't listen to reason, he never tells you why he's coming for you and the man can't be talked down. The idea that you didn't even exist to him until he sees you is very human but the fact that once he sees you you're the focal point of the rest of your life (not his, mind you lol) is just a frightening proposition. I just pray to God I don't walk past someone like him in my life. Classic character Mike is and that's really the integral ingredient to any great movie. The writer has to be thoughtful enough to realize that. Movies with great cinematography, writing, graphics but forgettable non-engaging actors go straight to DVD and there's a reason why Halloween succeeds and is born anew to a new group of people every year. Wildly successful movie and with good reason. The GOAT.

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