Saturday, October 25, 2008

If NBA Players Were Rappers

We're literally less than a week out from the start of my beloved NBA season. A season in which I'm almost certain will see Paul Pierce hoisting another two trophies over his head as the Boston Celtics will almost assuredly become two-time champions in the mold of so many other great teams before them. But I'm deviating from the post at hand. This post is a list of detailed comparison of various NBA Players and their musical counterparts. Should be worthy of a few chuckles.

Antoine Walker = Missy Elliott

Fluctuating weight throughout their entire careers, but more often than not on the losing side of the battle of the bulge. Both annoying and neither really know when to call it a career.

Adam Morrison = Ali Vegas

A lot of was expected, but nothing really ever happened. Kind of forget both of them exist anymore.

Jason Kidd = Jadakiss

Essentially very talented at their craft. Both are sure fire Hall of Famers. Their biggest knock has always been their ability to help lift others more than they've ever been able to do for themselves. Jada always saves his best for everybody else's projects and then seldom leaves anything spectacular for his own albums. In effect, even after a million albums he could never ever be able to put together a 'Greatest Hits' compilation that didn't consist of at least 90% of his own features on other people's projects. Both of these two are just very limited in their own range but help set up any and everyone they team up with. Nobody active has more assists than them.

Sam Cassell = Tyga

Their best qualities are being annoying and punks and a bitches.

Lamar Odom =Freeway

Their uniqueness gives their fans a reason to be drawn to them but let's face it, it's probably not going to really happen for them. They probably get less respect than they deserve but there's not a groundswell to admit it. The best player on their teams get so much shine that they're never going to be taken all that serious by comparison, fairly or unfairly.

Baron Davis = Dre 3000

Not hard to like, fun-natured, all-around game having good dudes. Very well-liked.

Carlos Boozer = Pusha T

Very talented and able. Have to get out from around snow to be more universally recognized. Will seemingly always fly under the radar though.

Dwight Howard = Beanie Sigel

Both make their living around the block. Not afraid to get physical and mix it up.

Vince Carter = Prodigy

Both had their biggest openings in 2000 when their stock was at the absolute highest but since haven't turned out into nearly how many might have thought they'd turn out. God love 'em but neither really has shown any heart in a long long time. Although they're not without a few bright spots, they largely won't ever be anything more than what they are. Hard to see them as Hall of Famers but damned if we don't check in with them every once in a while to see what kind of shit they're up to from time to time.

Anfernee Hardaway = DMX

Unanimous winner of the "What The Hell Happened To This Nigga Right Here" award. Certainly was at the top of his game in the mid-late 90's but fell on tough times since. Sometime, somewhere along the line they just said fuck being good and turned awful at once. Damn shame.

Stephen Jackson = Young Jeezy

Those who like him, love him and those who don't, never will so knowing this they're smart enough not to be anything other than themselves. Just very focused on doing their own things; some might even call it, dare I say 'ign'ant. Certainly puts up numbers thought. Definitely has their cities behind them as well.

Allen Iverson = 50 Cent

Both have taken a lot of shots tin their life.Both not shy about how they feel about themselves too. Have been good to the media and generous with their quotes in their day.

Dwyane Wade = Lupe Fiasco

Chicago natives who came on the scene in a big way in '06. Multifaceted and very cerebral in how they approach their craft. Doesn't have to be the most heralded person in the room. Comfortable being the low key person.

Kobe = Lil Wayne

For some reason, and only God Almighty knows what that reason might be, they carry popularity of entire legions of people. Now the constituencies are generally the same: white kids and assholes but oh how strong they are in numbers on the internet. They're pretty much as annoying as the Ron Paul zombies that troll around message boards in how you can never shut them up even in the face of logic. Is there some talent in these two though? Yes. As to how much talent is as arguable as the presidential race. To borrow a Jim Ross quote "I'd love to buy them for what they're worth and sell them for what they think they're worth".

Rasheed Wallace = Sean Price

Grimy, gully, and unkempt but respected. Neither will ever be embraced in a commercial sense but that means very little to their fans as long as they keep on doing them.

Robert Horry = Outkast

Always comes thru in the clutch. Can always be depended on in the clutch every couple years when everyone is looking toward them for a big one. Rarely disappoints. Most unconventional hall of famers ever.

Tony Parker = Fatman Scoop

Does what he does on the low for a while now. Linked inextricably to his wife. Sometimes speaks in undecipherable garbage.

Paul Pierce = Scarface

One of the best hands down. Respected but never ever gets his just due for all he's done thru his career. Only recently really gotten the universal praise he's deserved all along. When you step back and put their catalogs against the best, they more than hold their own.


lovnlife said...

Ha! This is funny.
I sooo see Antione Walker snd Missy. I could not have said it better.

Scarface vs. King James 2morrow! I'm excited.

The Honorable 'Sass said...

Man I cannot WAIT until tonight. Baseball and Football have been ruined for me because of the ineptitude of my teams so basktetball is the only thing I have left other than UF winning it all in January.

It's gonna be tough this year though. Everybody got better. Cavs, Lakers, Blazers, Raptors. Tough.