Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Top Ten: Most Underrated & Overrated Beauties In The Entertainment World Part II (The Ugly Side Of Tuesday)

And for the purposes of balance and bonus coverage I give you the starting line-up of the 'all-overrated team'. The JJ Redicks. The Darko Milicic's if you will. The Vince Carters to which much was expected where much so much wasn't given. The women for whom if they were athletes they'd be the worthless scrubs who dumb teams spent untold numbers of dollars for undeserving talent. The ones getting hood roles in flicks and taking attention from the far more deserving damsels that I referenced in the first portion of this post.

The Overrated
*No Pictures as you all know the reason why. Bad enough their images are seared into my memory and I know what they look like off the top of my head. Just Ughhhh.....*

(Tie 10.) Maggie Gyllenhaal - Damn near the only thing I found less than stellar about an otherwise heavy favorite for 2008 Movie Of The Year in The Dark Knight. I already asked this already but somebody needs to clue their boy in on how they went from Katie Holmes in one movie to her in this one. Huge drop off. Did they think nobody would notice that. That's not even in the same ballpark. Not in the same league. I'm not even sure it's the same gotdamn sport. Word to Jules in Pulp Fiction. Old pig face woman. How she's a leading lady is reason enough to go to war with somebody over in the middle east. I mean hell, we've certainly gone to war for less. Anyway she's objectionable and the fact that she anchors anything other than the nightshift of somebody's kitchen or some other inconspicuous job where she doesn't actually show her face shows how far Hollywood's fallen since I was a kid. Turrible Turrible Turrible. Miss Piggy's swagger has been jacked.

Tie 10.) Cate Blanchett - She's one of those world phenomenons that I don't give a shit about or care to join the world in -- kind of like soccer. Although if I had to choose between her or soccer, I'd choose Soccer because it's at least a sport and Blanchett looks like the inside on an ass. No thank you.

Tie 10.) Lindsay Lohan - This one is almost stupefying. She's pale. She's red-headed (and science studies have proven most red-heads, not named Kate Winslet, are disgusting). She's got ugly freckles all over her body. She's pale. She's got baby teeth. She's trashy. She's just not very desirable at all. Really, that one gay DJ she's dating can have her. Men got off easy. That's an L we can take for the greater good.

9.) Michelle Williams - Never saw what people saw in her. She's not attractive at all. Never got a huge bump in anything outside of Dawson's Creek but still. I mean Heath Ledger settled fairly low with her in my opinion. Oh well. At least he don't gotta look at her ass no more.

8.) Maria Sharapova - The single most overhyped, overblown woman in sports. Really nauseatingly overrated. The thought of hearing PTI's host slurp her when her name is on the docket at 5:30 is enough to make me actually turn the channel. Anybody that knows anything at all about me knows how much I like that show but I'd rather watch Women's Golf than see anything having to do with her. She's not as hot as Kournikova, Serena, or even Martina Hingis. Get her ugly ass out of the discussion of sports finest athletes. I can't believe I wasted time discussing this plane-jane, square shouldered, grasshopper legged, praying mantis looking chick. Disgusting.

7.) Gweneth Paltrow - She looks like Cauliflower. Like steamy Cauliflower. There's absolutely nothing she could do for me in this world. She's ugly and that's putting it mildly. Stop lying to this woman and giving her work.

6.) Kirsten Dunst - This is the biggest knock I have against the Spiderman series. She's in it. She's ugly. She's got those fans in the top of her gums. She's got ugly dimples. UGLY DIMPLES FOR CHRIST SAKE! You got to be an ugly ass to make dimples ugly, but alas she defies odds and perseveres. I first saw her in Interview With The Vampire and when Brad Pitt turned her into a vampire I felt compelled to open my window drapes and let the sun in, lol. If only it were that simple to rid the world of her. 14 years later and the bitch is still here. Somebody tell her to go away.

5.) Sarah Jessica Parker - She looks like witch that's trying to get her groove back. Matthew Broderick lost but not as much as America since she's the poster child of a show that is the cornerstone of pop culture in "Sex & The City". The greatest of all offenses is the fact that she's the 3rd most desirable of the 4 main women on the show, not that I ever watched that dogshit but I haven't been so oblivious that I haven't seen a promo for the show. I'm all about that brunette chick on the show. No hate for her. Sarah on the other had can go to Afghanistan and scare Bin Laden out of a cave with her ugly ass. She need join Islam and get fitted for one of those outfits with the cloth that covers the face. Period.

4.) Tara Reid - She's the face of the MTV crowd for me. They're all about exalting some undeserving cookie-cutter average looking blond broad and holding onto this particular mold of 'hot' and it's annoying and it's the reason myself and every other member of my demographic stop watching their shithole of a network. It's not even a personal crusade so much aimed toward Tara as much as its a rejection of the notion that the dime a dozen factory to which she was manufactured at should be deemed obsolete and that if that's what passes itself off as superior beauty than that's not a world I want to be in. So I guess it'd be fair to say I'm more against the idea of her than I am her but I still don't fuck with Tara Reid. Carson Daly can have her.

3.) Julia Roberts - Baboon lips. No body. Plain-Jane. Thank you for coming, drive home safe.

2.) Gabrielle Union - She looks like a baboon in make-up. Plus she plays the exact same role in every movie they put her in -- A Bitch. I can't resolve in my mind whether that's just her personality or a typecast, either way I don't care to learn the truth either way. So i'll probably just keep not paying attention to her and changing the channel and not renting her movies at the video store until the movie execs get the clue. Cast better or stay with mad full shelves at Blockbuster of her movies and cold, assless seats at the theaters for her movies. Your money, not mine.

1.) Nicole Kidman - She looks like one of those creepy old school dolls at your grandmas's crib on the wall and I don't mean that as a compliment. She's pale. Wierd looking and has no body. I desire her as much as I do the creepy porcelain dolls at my grandmother's house. She keeps getting mentioned as this consensus beautiful woman and all I wanna know is when they took this vote and why wasn't I there to hate on this stupid mindset that lead people to believe this for so long. Tom moved on up with Katie. He certainly wised up even if it was at the excuse of my childish boyhood infatuations with her. Oh well, if Tom knows what's up and was able to be rehabilitated then there's hope for everyone else everywhere. Stop following this ugly woman and watching her movies.

(Dis)Honorable Mentions
Michelle Williams (Destiny's Child)

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