Sunday, April 5, 2009

Tuesday's Top Ten Signs That You're In The Midst Of A Bad Black Movie

So I missed out on this list last Tuesday and it's just been sitting on my harddrive so I figure why not get caught up with the week tonight? This list is just the best signs that the black movie you're either watching or watching a preview for and contemplating seeing is going to be complete crap, a waste of money or worse a piece of trash so bad that it sets back black people. I think this is a reasonable list of things that most black people cringe about already or need to be brought around on and I plan on doing it so here are the Top Ten Signs That You're In The Midst Of A Bad Black Movie...

Tommy Davidson's In It- Nothing further needs to be said. We all know this mans work and we all hate it.

Tyler Perry Has A Hand In It - I'm disappointed every time I see a trailer to some new minstrel show he wrote because it tells me God doesn't listen to my prayers. What's worse is that Oprah is vouching for him. Ofruh Winfrey! The indignity or a dignified black woman who commands respect from the upper levels of society co-signing a grown man who 'mammy's' it up on stage in drag and isn't funny. Tyler Perry is the devil.

It's A Comedy - Because let's face it, black comedies are terrible 97% of the time. Not that I don't think black people aren't humorous but just in their own element. Movies aren't one of them and increasingly stand up acts are becoming less a black man's game anymore these days either. Gone are the days of Friday and most black comedies these days contribute to frightening stereotypes and appeal to lowest common denominators of black people and do little to make us laugh than to condescend. To find funny black humor you have to go to any setting where there's a good blend of old and young people. Old black men are hilarious. Young black men are hilarious but more so in everyday life situations. We need a new wave of black entertainers that understand this and can capture all the actual funny occurances that occur in Black America and can manifest these experiences in a format not too unlike Seinfeld. Something smart and witty but real and honest. Black Comedies today are a far far cry from that and thus we need to avoid black comedies like banana flavored runts.

R&B Star In The Cast - Recipe for disaster everytime. I can't recall in my history of movie-watching one movie that turned out okay with an R&B star in it. Not one damned movie. Just lots of R&B stars trying to act and lots of sucking. (Whichever one you're thinking of right now, yes that one sucked too, I'm sure of it.).

It's A Horror Movie - Black people and horror movies are diametrically opposing ideas. Serial killers don't harm black people and black people don't harm serial killer. They don't cross each others path and there'd be no conceivable reason to make a movie where that could happen. When you do that you end up with shit like Leprechaun in the Hood and Flavor Flav Presents...Hood Tales. For the entirety of a black horror movie, you can't physically watch the movie because the palm of your hand obstructs your vision as in your face will live there in shame the whole time. But that's alright Hollywood you keep making them and I'll keep ignoring them. I'm still ignoring Tales From The Hood to watch the crap you're putting out.

Steven Segal Is In It - Movie-wise Steven Segal is to bad black movies what liqour stores are to the hood. Just perpetuates all the wrong things. Remember back when the CW station used to be WB and they had a monopoly on all the bad black shows like "Homeboyz In Outer Space" and whatnot and the advertisements had that racist frog as the face of the network? Steven Segal is that frog. Literally. If you see his grill all up in the movie poster promo you just no it's something to avoid.

It's Produced By TD Jakes Or The Black Church - Look it's not that I'm against the Lord because I'm not and I won't insult your intelligence and try and write a paragraph about how much more I'm about God than you are and out-Jesus you to justify me being able to write this. You're just going to have to take my word that I roll with Yeshua. But yeah wholesome is good in general. I know and like wholesome people in my everyday life. They are absolutely fine and mostly honorable human beings and if in a pinch I would trust them with mostly any possession I have that is except for my attention span. Wholesome doesn't belong on the big screen. There's no conflict to the story, there's no cursing, there's no real life situations, it's just 2 hours of Sesame Street dialogue with grown up faces. Not for me. In fact, its just downright weird. Honestly, I dislike the whole gospel genre. Music and all. Watching TD Jakes movies and listening to Donny McClurkin alone will not get you any closer to Heaven than listening to Nas and watching Scarface. I praise The Father and The Son everyday of my life perpetually through my works and deeds. I honor the message of Christianity through generousity and selflessness and ask for forgiveness when I fair and humility when I succeed. I recognize Jesus as my savior and I go to church, submit myself to the teachings and when I leave the church I take those words with me and apply them. I don't refuse to let someone in in traffic 5 minutes after I've left the parking lot either. I pracitce what is preached. Having done all that I think I deserve the right to be entertained by something that's actually entertaining (weird notion huh?) that has more edge to it then a PG-13 movie. Nothing against PG-13 movies it's just that I haven't been into them since I was 13! Why do I need waste my time and money to see a movie that I already know how it's going to end. It's a Christian movie. No one is getting shot in the end, no one is left feeling bitter or jaded. I'm sorry that's just not reality in the world that I live in.

Rapper In The Movie/Produced By Rap Music Label - These days I don't even like Rappers in my music let alone venturing into another artform altogether that they know nothing about or aren't classically trained in whatsoever. They're just going through the motions for a pay check and they're doing it because in the world of hip-hop it's just what you do right after going platinum and just before you get your own clothing line. Little do they know that not everyone who has a clothing line in Hip-Hop deserves to manufacture clothes (see: P.Miller clothing, FJ560, WuWear etc.) and likewise not every movie idea that comes to your head needs to be put out to the masses on some straight to DVD/BET low budget project that in reality only about 200 people in the country will put on their DVD shelf. It's a waste. For every genuine rap-to-actor success story I can give you Nas,DMX, Master P, Bone Thugs, Silkk the Shocker and the list goes on and on.

They Show It On BET- They won't show your movie unless it's bad. To this day the Malcolm X is the only good movie I've ever seen on BET. And by good I mean Oscar worthy, universally respected world-renown movie. Think of BET as a college and coonery as an advanced class. They won't even consider adding you to their coursework unless you have the prerequisite of Tommy Davidson, Tyler Perry or a combination of all these things plus a Kirk Franklin co-production credit. The day they play a great black movie I'm prepared to shave my head and post the photos at the top of this website. You have my word.

The Wayans Bros Have A Hand In It - There's an internet myth that if you put a tape in your vhs/dvd system that has a Wayans brother in it you will die in 3 days. No lie. I blame Keenean mostly. Keenan Ivory Wayans is Samara from "The Ring".
He could stop this all. He could make all the bad movies from his kin go away but he's the one that perpetuates this terrible plague upon audiences. White Chicks, Scary Movie 1 - 500 and counting, Senseless, Big Little Man and the list goes on. Even In Living Color looks worse with age. If you see a movie produced by, directed by, starring or featuring any one of these guys avoid it at all costs.
If you can avoid these ten signs that the movie you're watching/contemplating seeing can be tied to any one of the numbers on this list. Run.
Run! If you watch a movie and Ja Rules on
Run! If Tommy Davidson The Coons on
Run! Fuck that! Run! Cock back gun!
They givin' black cats bad names so
Run! If it features Lil Wayne at the lead in
I don't give a damn if the movie pass is free
So, run! Hop fences, jump over benches!
When you see me comin' get the fuck out the entrance!
Run! Fuck that! Run! Cock Guns guns! Muthafucka..

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