The Laws of the Bathroom Pt. 1

In most aspects of life, proper decorum is dictated by the majority through societal norms & public submissions. People always say that if you don't know what to do, just blend in and do what everybody else is doing and that way if it's wrong then they can't arrest or blame everybody. Nowhere is more true than the highway. I know it's fairly mandatory for me to find the dude or conga line of cars going the fastest speeds and then blending in with them and therefor I'm not doing too much of the extra extra stuff that would draw the ire of a highway trooper that would love to write me a ticket. Pops always told me that the police will usually give the benefit of the doubt to you when you stay within the flow of the traffic. Now if the highway is full of old ladies and 16 year-olds then I'm probably going to be rolling a little closer to grandpa then Dale Earnhardt Jr. speed. The point remains, the public legislates what's normal and what's not.

However there are certain miles where individuals must walk by themselves and lose the comfort of acting in conjunction with the group. It's in these times where the lines of acceptable behavior are the blurriest. It is then when we must chart our own path and be steadfast in our judgement. Most chiefly of said times is the restroom. It can be a very scary place to find yourself because of it's lawlessness. At home, there are unwritten codes mom and dad have laid out since as far back as you can remember, like stop the toilet if it runs. Don't leave the toilet paper roll empty. Don't leave piss on the toilet when you're done. Get that courtesy flush cracking when you're done. I could go on and on. Some of these things may be foreign to you as rule varies from household to household. You can even call some of them silly but at least it's an ethos. When you use public facilities it's Wild Wild West up in that piece.

So it occurs to me, we need a certain degree of law to adhere to in there. Me being the opportunist I am, I figure why not make a rough draft and so I have. I'm a Biggie fan so to pay homage to him this week I'm gonna call these The 10 ButtCrack Commandments:

1.) Flush The Toilet - This one should be self evident, but you'd be surprised at how little this is followed. I know you're proud of your urine or your gift to the porcelain god as any toddler would be, but keep that nasty shit between you, God and the whichever hole that stuff is coming out of. I've got this thing right, where I go to piss, and it's the damndest thing that I want clean clear water staring back at me. I know, crazy right? I'm just funny like that. Just the thought of splashback from someone else's liquids splattering my jeans upsets me. Plus it's unseemly to mix urine samples with another. Something just ain't right about that. I don't care if it's a stranger, my best friend, my father or anybody! This is mostly a urinal issue but stalls can get fairly flagrant too. Flush the damn toilet. I'm not asking you to draw up a plan to get the troops out of Iraq. You can do this.

2.) If you see someone in a stall, door closed, paints around their ankles and their dropping The Brown Album be a grown up. Don't giggle like a school child. If the giddy feelings start to overtake you, walk out so neither of you lose pride. I'm a germaphobe to the fullest and I don't use public toilets to drop deuces but I can't tell you how often I've seen others overlook this simple respect. Poop. We all do it.

3.) There's a sanctity of the bathroom that ought not be the center of conversation between co-workers. I don't want to hear all the gossip about whose in the center stall doing work. That doesn't peak my interest and it shouldn't peak your if you've got a High School diploma or GED equivalence. Unless you're Larry Craig, the bathroom stall should be like Vegas in what happens there should stay there.

4.) The one stall/urinal space rule isn't a myth or comedy routine. It's real and ought to be upheld at all times. You shouldn't be all up on anyone in the bathroom. It isn't the club.

5.) Parents ought not bring their opposite sex child in the bathroom with them. It embarrasses, you, me, the kid and everyone else around. I'm saying this as a victim of shopping with my mother as a kid. I'm speaking from experience here. I've been on the wrong side of this scene and it ain't pretty, it ain't charming, it's just you, your little bladder shy wee-wee, your mother standing outside the stall encouraging you to hurry up and a room full of grown women. None of this goes together. None of these actors are right for this movie. It's not cute and it's not funny. Everybody loses. So I think either both parents should do the shopping thing together so if either sexed kid had to go, they'd feel comfortable with their prospects or if you're flying solo with your child and somebody has to go potty and you and your child's parts don't match, you or him/her need to hold it.

This is To Be Continued....