Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Tuesday's Top Ten: Shittiest Candy Given At Halloween

.....when I was a kid Halloween was my favorite holiday, not unlike most other kids. The one thing I didn't like about Halloween though was getting home, after a hard day of begging strangers, taking off my costume, stretching out on the couch only to find that the majority of my spoils was shitty candy. You put so much into Halloween too. Your parents go out and buy you a shitty cheap costume that you only picked after trying on and subsequently rejecting several other equally shitty cheap costumes. You did this though, and made your parents a party of, and sold a part of your dignity in the process of the evening, in the pursuit of candy. One figures the least people could do was reward your effort by giving you something for your troubles. Instead of Skittles or Snickers or some candy worth its weight in sugar no you receive candy that starving kids in Africa would turn down. Todays list is an ode to the candy that people loved to give you that we all hated to get. This is candy so bad that it's almost a form of mouth rape when you eat it. So without any further wait, the list which is more of an FBI Most (Un) Wanted Top Ten than anything else ....

10.) Butterfinger - We all like butterfingers. You might even be asking yourself why would I put such a delicious candy on a list of this sort? I agree with the Butterfinger nation that they make a great product only where I find displeasure is because Butterfingers don't like us back. Butterfingers are a good idea up until 5 seconds into chewing it then it's like chewing sweet rocks. Just big, sticky annoying chunks of candy stuck to your teeth that have no intention of going anywhere for the rest of your day. Too messy a candy. Butterfingers are the candy version of Iraq and Afghanistan, easy to get into but hard to get out of.

9.) Black Licorice - LOL, I'm black and so it would make sense that I would like this candy, right? Wrong. I hate this candy and everything about it. I don't even mind red licorice. Twizzlers are great. As long as their red. Somebody ever gave me a black twizzler and I became David Duke. Get. It. Out. Of. Here

8.) Milk Duds - Who eats Milk Duds? Could it possibly be the same assholes who eats Peeps at Easter and other terrible candies? Why can't they round up all these douchebags favorite candy and sell them at their own stores so that their candy never even touches the candy I like?

7.) Boston Baked Beans - I have nothing against Boston or Baked Beans. Separately I like baked beans. I also like the Celtics and don't mind the Red Sox so I guess I kinda dig Boston too but Boston Baked Beans are just disgusting.

6.) Salt Walter Taffy - I say this as a life long and avid supporter of the Cincinnati Bengals but Salt Water Taffey is the candy equivalent to my football team. It casts no dispersions as to what it is or what it's about. You pretty much either associate with it out of choice or you don't. There are no gray areas. You know exactly what you're getting into going into it.

5.) Whatever The Fuck This Candy Is - Trust me, if I could identify this candy it would be higher. But I can't so it'll have to stay at ten. This ambiguous label will have to do in a way only 'suspect: black, male and between 18-49' has to do for cops. But I know you know this candy and that plurality of those reading this have even received this candy over the years.

4.) Butter Rum / Root Beer Dum Dums - LOL, We all know when we buy a bag of Dum Dums that once the cherry flavored ones and watermelon flavored ones are out, it's a crap shoot as to which ones are the next best but Butter Rum and Root Beer are the truly crap ones. The worst most evil devious thing that Dum Dum does though is labeling some of them with that question mark so you don't know what it is and you have to stick it in your mouth to find out what it is. And then just for fun they make probability of it being one of the two most disgusting flavors like 80%. You've got a better chance of getting the pretty girl in class at school to ask you out then get a cherry or watermelon flavored Dum Dum on a mystery flavor wrapped sucker. Terrible, no good, very bad awful candy.

3.) Circus Peanuts - This might be a generation thing. I've never met anyone under 50 that eats this. Are your taste buds the first thing that starts failing you as you get old? Because if that's the case I wish to die young and leave a pretty decent looking corpse in my wake. Circus Peanuts ought to be given to the animals of an actual circus and never to the humans in the stands or anywhere else. If I was God, these wouldn't even exist. Not in my universe. No way no how.

2.) Tootsie Roll - The only acceptable Tootsie Roll are the assorted fruit flavored tootsie rolls. The regular chocolately look and I would imagine also taste like rabbit shit. Not only is it cheap but it even tastes like it costs a penny per piece which is probably why after a long night of trick or treating when you looked into your candy bag it was almost all tootsie rolls. This also explains how easy it was to throw that shit in the woods before you came home. The effort of knocking on doors was greater than the coast of said candy. Tootsie Pops are a different case entirely though strangely enough

1.) Candy Corn - There are in fact things that are worse than death, like prison or what happens in prison and yes of course candy friggin' corn. Candy corn is so bad and so cheap that they don't even put it in a wrapper. They just put it in a bag, for easy access to for houses that offer candy for trick or treating, so all the person giving it has to do is stick a hand in the bag and spread it around. Like germs don't exist. It's not even the germs that's the worst part though. The candy is much worse. I'd rather have a scratchy throat, a runny nose and a cough than have a mouthful of candy corn. Corn isn't even a fun thing to eat and I'd rather eat corn than candy corn and I love sugar. I'm from a long line of people with diabetes. If restaurants served candy corn and the salad bar and nothing else, America would not have an obesity crisis on it's hands right now. We'd all have six packs. Bill Maher put it best in his book:

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