Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Tuesday's Top Ten: Corniest Caricatures On The Internet

Okay, if you've ever been a member of internet message boards or even lurked on a message board or two in your time this list will make sense. These are the most loathsome creatures on the internets as far as I see. Most people will find this funny and if you don't then you're probably one of these guys on this list if not a full manifestation of 3 or 4 of these guys.

Onto the list...

Get Personal With a Screename Guy - We all know a guy or two who gets all worked up and tries to set up an encounter with someone they don't know because their feelings were hurt and its always corny. Then there's the people who talk about children and mothers and family members and go all disrespectful to try and come across as the bigger douchebag and that's equally corny. I've never had to resort to calling someone's dead mother or newborn child something because I had a beef with anybody on the net and if you have to do that seek help. The internet isn't real and you're reaching way too far to make it real.

I Got 150 posts and 147 Of The Were From Arguing Guy - This guy doesn't back down under any circumstances. His mother's funeral could be going on in an hour and you just know that if you say something else to him, he'd tell the family that he'd meet them at the church even though the family limo is out front. He'd be still going back and forth with the internet decked out in his suit with the jacket on the bed, rolled up sleeves, ready to go in because that guy doesn't lose an internet argument. He's a warrior and it's just that serious to him. I mean this guy doesn't even go to sleep if he's in the midst of an argument because no matter what he will have the last word. In his mind he can't let the fight go to the judges card overnight after you've both said your peace. No this guy will sacrifice sleep and if he's got a girlfriend, which I doubt, he'd sacrifice the sex too. Because that's what champions do and this guy if nothing else is all about the 'W'. If there's a power outage, he's got a backup laptop. If there's no juice in it, he's got a iPhone to argue on. If that's broke as a last line of defense he's got the friend with computer and don't think he won't break the glass to get to that fire extinguisher. That's who this guy is.

I'm Only Online For The Sex Guy - This character is not an internet geek, he's just a geek who in his mind just so happens to be on the internet. There's a difference. He just gets girls exclusively online. Not that he doesn't get them in real life because of course he does. Just ask him. It's just easier and less time consuming to just add somebody as a friend, go back and forth on each other's wall trading notes, finally getting the number, working up the nerve to call said girl only to repeat earlier back and forth conversations only this time over the phone instead of the internet. Everybody has their goals on the internet and this guy is just clear about his objectives and you should respect it. He's Pepe LePew with a laptop.

I'm Cooler Than Everybody Else Using The Computer Guy - This guy is probably the worst of the worst because he's every arrogant person you've ever met in real life all rolled into one and to make matters worse he's got the anonymity of a screename so he's got the prick knob turned all the way up even more so than he does in real life because you don't know him and never will and he knows it. This guy thinks everything you ever do or says is irrelevant and everything about him is relevant and he's not afraid to tell you either. He's all about himself. If he listens to it, it's great music and if you don't, then stop breathing and collapse to the ground and die. And if it isn't too much to ask, make sure you fall in a hole so the graveyard doesn't have to do much. Actually that may be too much, I mean contrary to most people's beliefs he thinks everybody should have an opinion, just make sure that your opinion and his opinion look alike though before voicing it and I'm not talking just brother-sister alike but twin brother-sister alike. If this guy digs a song, it better be your ringtone. If he hates an album you better have photos on your blackberry of you taking a shit on it after you've burned it, used the ashes to roll a blunt with it, smoked it and put it out with your shoe on the ground.

Tough Guy - He's similar to 'Get Personal With Screename Guy' but this guys more of a fighter. If you piss this guy off the least you're going to get is an asswhooping. That's the minimum. The most that will happen to you might be death. This cat might bring the desert eagle to your door and go Tony Soprano all over you and your family. You don't want to piss off this guy. Lest you do, don't give him any information about yourself or he's likely to go Liam Neeson on you in "Taken" and hunt you down. He's been to jail and he'd love to and wants to go back.

Give Me Attention Guy- He'll act like he's crazy and he's not all their and that he lives an unorthodox life and he's done everything that you haven't but he hasn't done shit. He wants attention and he'll do anything and say anything to get it from you because real life deprived him of it completely a long time ago. There are walls worth watching more than him.

Contrary Mary - Whatever you say, he's going to say the opposite. No matter what position you take, he's running counter that. This guys running an internet playbook loaded with trick plays and gadget plays designed to piss you off. If you say its sunny outside he'll call you a blind idiot and say that it's night. You say the sky is blue, he'll swear by green. I wouldn't even be surprised if you told him that his mother was a fine, upstanding model member of the community that he would just tell you that she's a whore and that he himself was conceived in the backseat of a car by a guy who isn't his father. There are no limits to this guys fullofshitness.

The Professor - Sure, he could get his point across with a sentence or two but it wouldn't be an appropriate means of conveying his intellect. No, this guy doesn't get out of bed in the morning unless he's got a page worth of conversation in his skull to type first.

Makes No Sense Guy - This person is one of God's special little projects. He speaks only in a manner decipherable to himself and makes sense only to himself. He's got 1000 posts under his belt and everyone of them has gone unreplied to. The next time somebody read his shit would also be the first. Best of all, he's not a quitter and his will can't be broken.

Mr. Co-Sign - He jumps from post to post cosigning people at random with LOLs and LMAOs and ROTLMAOs and any other absurd abbreviated cartoonish way of approving somebody else's words. He's of no real value to the messageboard he posts at or the internet itself. He's an unabashed consumer of everyone else's efforts on the internet giving only the illusion that he's one of the guys adding to the website by saying something only everytime he says something, he says nothing; less than nothing really because echoing someone else most of the time is often worse than just being quiet. Vile, wretched human being.

Even if you haven't enjoyed these jerks I hope you've enjoyed the list. More to come later....

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