Thursday, September 17, 2009

Tuesday's Top Ten: Traits That Make Us HATE "Facebook Guy"

I absolutely hate "Facebook Guy". Let me be clear though, I like Facebook, I just don't like "Facebook Guy". I'm not saying you're automatically "Facebook Guy" because you're on Facebook. That's not what I'm saying. I've got plenty of friends on Facebook. I'm on Facebook. I'm not talking about them and I'm not talking about myself. I'm talking about "Facebook Guy". I just don't like "Facebook Guy". "Facebook Guy" could be a man, woman or amorphous person in the middle like Lady Gaga so don't automatically assign a gender to this being. I just use the handle "Facebook Guy" because it's simple. So let me describe "Facebook Guy" so you can spot this/these jerk(s) hiding out in your Facebook, lurking in the shadows and defriend him and his flunkies from your friends list.

10.) "Facebook Guy" changes his profile picture more often than he changes his drawers. He feels it's absolutely necessary to keep us afloat to his facial changes as often as possible and as frequently as daily. In "Facebook Guy"s mind a lot can change over a weekend and you must know what he looks like on Monday as compared to what he looked like on Friday.

9.)  "Facebook Guy" updates from his phone because the earth shattering nature of 'at the store buying a loaf of bread' just can't wait until they get home.

8.) "Facebook Guy" takes Facebook seriously. Most people are only on Facebook to occasionally get in touch with friends and keep a channel open to network with people in case somebody is looking for them and have no other ways to get a hold of them. For most people they can go weeks at a time without signing in. It's really not all that important to them. They just keep that Facebook account open for the same reason they keep their '' email open; Just so that people who have no other viable means of getting in touch with them, have SOME glimmer of hope to hang onto in touching base. "Facebook Guy" updates his pictures all the friggin' time."Facebook Guy" is unloading a dozen or so pictures of themselves walking to the curb to get his garbage cans from this morning right now. "Facebook Guy" is a member of 653 groups because he cares that you know everything about him. "Facebook Guy" wishes there was something even stronger than an 'iLike' button. "Facebook Guy" wants Mark Zuckerburg to come out with a 'iLove' button because "Facebook Guy" wants to go steady with your status update. "Facebook Guy" wants to get on one knee and propose to your Facebook wall happenings.

7.) "Facebook Guy" is basically everybody's grandmother. They don't miss anyone's birthday. If you've got a birthday coming up, you should expect a 'Happy Birthday' at the bare minimum. If they're feeling particularly jovial you're getting a 'facebook birthday gift'. It's just a forgone conclusion you're getting Facebook Wall Love on your born day from them. In fact the only way you won't be getting it is if you forgot their birthday last time around. Oh yeah, "Facebook Guy" keeps track of whose been leaving them love. "Facebook Guy" makes a list and checks it twice. "Facebook Guy" looks into whose been naughty or nice. So always be appeasing to "Facebook Guy" because "Facebook Guy" is keeping the score.

6.) "Facebook Guy" laughs way too hard and way too much. "Facebook Guy" makes up stupid new ways to tell you that what you said is funny even when you know it wasn't THAT friggin' funny. 'I just spit my soda all over my computer @ what you just said'. No you didn't. If you did your computer would probably be messed up (YAY!) or at minimum you'd need a new keyboard. "Facebook Guy" also will drop a ROTFLMAOTGUSEITRWSOTAMASWIWID (rolling of the floor laughing my ass off then getting up slapping everybody in the room with slices of turkey and making a sandwich with it when I'm done). I mean damn. Is it really that funny? Like, really? "Facebook Guy" laughs at dumb stuff like there are terrorists that have their family at gunpoint hogtied and gagged. Like "Facebook Guy" is trying to get on their good side. An 'LOL' usually suffices. An 'LMAO' at the absolute most. Anything more and you're doing waaaaaay too much. Stop it.

5.) Believe it or not on certain occasions "Facebook Guy" might actually have something important to do and as you can imagine doesn't have the time to read through everyone's status updates like he normally might. In this circumstance he'll use the 'iLike' button like it's voicemail. He won't even read your status before just mindlessly pressing 'iLike'. You know how somebody calls your cellphone halfway hoping you don't pick up just so they can leave you a voicemail and say that they called you? That's what "Facebook Guy" is doing. "Facebook Guys" not even trying to leave his normal empty headed rambling nonsensical reply to your status. All they want to do is press the 'iLike' just to let you know that they reached out to you even though they don't care what you just said.

4.) "Facebook Guy" has over 1000 pictures on Facebook. That's just how "Facebook Guy" rolls. "Facebook Guy" doesn't retrieve his mail unless there's a red carpet trail leading up to his mailbox and paparazzi hanging over the barricades snapping pictures of him and getting him to pose. It's not that we don't all go out. It's not that we don't all get that we should have fun with our friends. We all have social lives, only the normies among us don't treat sitting in our friends' living room watching TV like it's on our bucket list and we have to snap 50 pictures of us watching 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' to preserve the special memory of us eating Dorritos and chugging a Mountain Dew like we could die any moment. "Facebook Guy" takes pictures of himself at the dentist getting root canals. It's not enough that he lives his life, you must live your life vicariously through his pictures and his updates. His life is being made into a movie everyday on Facebook. "Facebook Guy" takes a thousand pictures of himself a day just so that all his facebook friends know how much better his life is from yours.

3.) "Facebook Guy" loooooves to spam his status' to song lyrics, coded messages and general relationship whining to tell the object of his obsession that he/she is thinking about them or how they're wronging them or how upset they are making them. "Facebook Guy" couldn't care less that the other 200 people that they're friends with have to read this drivel just as long as there's an off-hand chance that the one person they're crying out to is reading it. "Facebook Guy" moans like Keith Sweat when they update their status when feeling emotional. "Facebook Guy" tries to be Edgar Allen Poe in the space of the 100 characters allowable in the status updates even though it all comes out less than poetic and more as bitter gibberish. "Facebook Guy" embarrasses themself and sounds like Kanye West on '808's and Heartbreaks' and should get a friggin' room instead of a mouse and keyboard.

2.) "Facebook Guy" LOVES to tell you what he's doing in his status updates no matter how stupid or pointless or how late or early it is in the day. "Facebook Guy" treats Facebook like it's Twitter. Only he isn't famous and you really don't care what he's doing but a.) he doesn't care that he's just some dude and not Diddy and b.) everything he does or feels is worth your time reading it -- and I mean EVERYTHING! "Facebook Guy" wakes up in the morning, walks to his computer and before he yawns he updates his status to "wiping the crust out of my eye and stretching". Before he goes to sleep in his bed at night "Facebook Guy" will lean over to his laptop and update his status with a "Good Night" as if neither you nor him could ever possibly fall asleep without knowing what he's doing at that exact moment in life. Because we all couldn't go to sleep without "Facebook Guy" bending down to kiss us on our forehead, whisper sweet nothings in out ear and tell us Goodnight.

1.) "Facebook Guy" LOVES the 'iLike' button and he's not afraid to use it. "Facebook Guy" reads every single friends status updates periodically through the day like it's his job. It's that serious to him. When he finishes reading every status update he will go ahead and click the 'iLike' button to every status update you ever write. It's a reflex to him. You could type 'My mom just died' and "Facebook Guy" will give your status the 'iLike' treatment. 'I just slit my wrists and I'm sitting in the tub, chest deep in my own blood waiting to die' and "Facebook Guy" will respond with an 'iLike'. You could update your status with "I just inhaled and oddly enough I exhaled two seconds later" and "Facebook Guy" will be sure to press the 'iLike' button express his approval. Or he'll leave some awful message that sounds like a 12 year old wrote it. A grown man/woman writing like a child. You might update your status with "I just ate Wendy's" and "Facebook Guy" might respond like:

OMG!!!! LOLz I wuz jus tlking 2 mah mom about that. What a coincidence!! We must be kindred spirits!!! OMFG!!

Anywhoo TTYL

Just disgusting. And even after leaving said message, "Facebook Guy" will be sure to 'iLike' your status.

My advice: Stay vigilant so that you don't go down that road that leads to becoming "Facebook Guy". You're better than that. Resist the urges to act like "Facebook Guy" on Facebook. It's hard but you'll be better for it. Old habits don't die. They never completely go away. They're like cancer cells, they can go into remission if you undertake the right steps but they're always there lying in wait. Plotting their resurface like Sadaam in a spiderhole. Realize that you'll probably never rid yourself of old habits completely and that all you can do is suppress them as much as possible.All I can do is add you to my Facebook Friends list but only you can decide if you'll stay there via your behavior.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

damn dude, im rollin right now!